I have done something I am excruciatingly ashamed of.
It had started with Emilia, explaining to me in my hung-over condition (which I think is a good enough excuse for slight loss of mind)
“You need to do something to get him mad at you, you never really had the stereotypical slanging match- which considering how much of a complete ass he was really surprises me Mist!”
It was true. I had been so uncomfortably saintly about the whole horrid thing up until this point.
I had finally been messaged by HER to confirm that all my suspicions were in fact true and they had been secretly together for weeks now. Most people would assume my initial thoughts should have been to shout, scream, key his car, throw his clothes out of the window.
But I didn’t do any of these things.
I can only think now that my mind refused to completely register this information as some sort of trauma defence. All I know is I gave him a kiss as he headed to work, then quietly and calmly packed all my things. I left a small note on the coffee table which bluntly said “I know everything”.
I didn’t even bother to include any expletives.
And I hadn’t heard from him since. Not one word.
“The thing is Mist” Emilia continued “you haven’t really had any closure, he’s moved on, the rat that he his, and you’re carrying all this anger around when you should be yelling it all at him”
“Well I can’t exactly knock his door 3 weeks later and suddenly go “Oh I’m ready to be mad at you now, please stand there while I throw all my hatred at you until I feel better” I said
“Well that’s why you get him mad first” William said.
And then they told me the plan, and I promise you at the time it had seemed perfect, and clever and brilliant and I was sure it would make me feel better.
Of course it did none of these things.
“So” Emilia said “my friend Amy works at the beauty shop in town and she said that HIS new piece has to go in EVERY week for like mass body bleaching. Honestly Mist she said she’d have like a proper handlebar moustache and furry arms if she didn’t keep up her appointments religiously”
“I’m pretty sure that’s a massive exaggeration, also is Amy allowed to tell you stuff like this?”
“Oh who cares! Listen to the plan -we make HIM really annoyed at us, you know how protective he gets about his girlfriends.” Emilia added
It was true HE had always been furiously protective. Once at a party a drunken idiot with a clear cut case of short man syndrome had decided to zoom in on me making harsh comments about my (6ft) height.
“Doesn’t it make you feel really unfeminine with all these gorgeous petite girls around you” he had spluttered through his whiskey stanched breath.
My face had turned a glorious shade of magenta as this man continued to spill a variety of insults my way. Then suddenly HE was there at my side. “Heard your comments mate, truly hilarious, I guess your girlfriend doesn’t look as amazing as mine and that’s why you’re being a bitter old twerp. Even though I feel nothing but deep pity for you let me promise you that if you even mutter one more negative word at my incredibly hot girlfriend you will live to regret it. Oh and by the way, you know all those supermodels you saliva over like the pathetic little creep you are. Each one is taller than this beautiful woman in front of you”.
“Misty!” Emilia shrieked dragging me painfully out of another precious memory “you’re not even listening to me!”
And then she explained the plan.Which I somehow stupidly agreed to.
So we logged onto the internet and this is when I made the ridiculous mistake. We ordered a giant gorilla costume and had it gift wrapped and specially delivered to HIS work, with a little note attached saying
“I heard you like this look now”.
So simple. The twins and I had laughed for hours after it (I’m sure their immaturity is contagious).
It was only when I awoke the next morning that I it dawned on me how pathetic I had been. My stomach filled with a deep nauseating feeling as I at once considered how offensive and spiteful the gesture was. I tried to reason my logic, I ran over the events again in my mind, nothing helped. I felt like crap. I was in the wrong. Completely.
What was even worse than this pathetic act of revenge I hadn’t had even a smidge of a response from HIM even though having confirmation from the delivery company hours earlier that it had been received. No anger. No screams of rage. It seemed so pointless now.
Hours had dragged by and I resolved to attempt to forget the whole stupid thing. Maybe even apologise?
Then he responded.
And once he again sent a million daggers at my already painfully broken heart, I was sent spiralling into a new oblivion of pain and confusion: feeling breathless and irreparable . If I wasn’t so hurt I’d almost admire the brilliance of it. Simple, yet so unbelievably effective.
He updated his status.
“She said YES! When it’s right, it’s right”