I have made a resolution to try and live the most normal a life as possible, to try my utmost to keep my conflicting emotions locked away while I go about my day and only let them spill out when I am with someone I completely trust. Which is a very short list at the moment.
I am very aware that this is possibly not the most healthy way to behave but at the moment it is the only way I am certain I can hold down a job, family and friends. If I allow myself to succumb to the sickening intensity of grief, confusion and anger that linger in my inner psyche at all times I fear they will drag me into a vortex of despair that I will never escape.
So I plod along.
Apart from the twins no one else knows about my recent contact with HIM, it was a lonely and difficult decision to decide not to confide in friends about it. Particularly Tessa. But there is such a feeling of intense shame that is associated with so many aspects of that situation I feel that the less I talk about it the more likely it is in weeks (oh who am I kidding…months) to come I may almost be able to convince myself it didn’t really happen. An agreed delusion: a type of social amnesia.
This decision however had enabled me to convince the rest of the world that since my arrest I had been coping quite well and had managed to even have some humour towards the situation (fake laughing at colleagues *hilarious* jokes about wanting to “Irish” up my coffee every morning has really giving me a new focus in the work place).
The twins have taken their own form of support, arriving home yesterday to find a customised Guy Fawkes with HIS name scrolled across the body was particularly inventive (and is it totally insane that I LOVED setting fire to it?!). They have also decided to up their game when teasing me- I like to think that it is a distraction strategy but in reality I think they are completely sadistic – though unwrapping my entire make up case after they had wrapped every individual item in newspaper did keep me busy for a good hour!
I am very proud of how I am managing to portray myself as a functioning human being to the rest of the world when I am very aware that I still have a very long way to go before I am “over” this heartache. Will I ever be over it?
At the moment I can’t imagine a life when I don’t think about HIM all the time- both the good and the bad. I can’t imagine trusting someone else as completely as I did HIM. I can’t imagine looking into a different pair of eyes, saying “I love you” and knowing how much I mean it. I can’t imagine a time when I am not compelled to regularly drive past our old house.
I honestly feel as thought I am losing my mind. I am not acting like a rational, intelligent woman.
I cut all my hair short. He used to like it long- “that’ll teach him” I had thought.
Yep- definitely losing my mind.