Day 20…

I have made a resolution to try and live the most normal a life as possible, to try my utmost to keep my conflicting emotions locked away while I go about my day and only let them spill out when I am with someone I completely trust. Which is a very short list at the moment.

I am very aware that this is possibly not the most healthy way to behave but at the moment it is the only way I am certain I can hold down a job, family and friends. If I allow myself to succumb to the sickening intensity of grief, confusion and anger that linger in my inner psyche at all times I fear they will drag me into a vortex of despair that I will never escape.

So I plod along.

Apart from the twins no one else knows about my recent contact with HIM, it was a lonely and difficult decision to decide not to confide in friends about it. Particularly Tessa. But there is such a feeling of intense shame that is associated with so many aspects of that situation I feel that the less I talk about it the more likely it is in weeks (oh who am I kidding…months) to come I may almost be able to convince myself it didn’t really happen. An agreed delusion: a type of social amnesia.

This decision however had enabled me to convince the rest of the world that since my arrest I had been coping quite well and had managed to even have some humour towards the situation (fake laughing at colleagues *hilarious* jokes about wanting to “Irish” up my coffee every morning has really giving me a new focus in the work place).

The twins have taken their own form of support, arriving home yesterday to find a customised Guy Fawkes with HIS name scrolled across the body was particularly inventive (and is it totally insane that I LOVED setting fire to it?!).  They have also decided to up their game when teasing me- I like to think that it is a distraction strategy but in reality I think they are completely sadistic – though unwrapping my entire make up case after they had wrapped every individual item in newspaper did keep me busy for a good hour!

I am very proud of how I am managing to portray myself as a functioning human being to the rest of the world when I am very aware that I still have a very long way to go before I am “over” this heartache. Will I ever be over it?

At the moment I can’t imagine a life when I don’t think about HIM all the time- both the good and the bad. I can’t imagine trusting someone else as completely as I did HIM. I can’t imagine looking into a different pair of eyes, saying “I love you” and knowing how much I mean it. I can’t imagine a time when I am not compelled to regularly drive past our old house.

I honestly feel as thought I am losing my mind. I am not acting like a rational, intelligent woman.

I cut all my hair short. He used to like it long- “that’ll teach him” I had thought.

Yep- definitely losing my mind.

Misty x


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About mistybailey87

I'm Misty and I just got my heart smashed and obliterated....I'm hoping to try to piece it together bit by bit. This is my diary, I've decided to write it online as talking about it helps me so maybe in some weird way it might help some other lost soul too. Pingates

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