Today was spent being “sick” from work- (I’m pretty sure that being overtaken by vacuous space where love used to live definitely qualifies as an illness).
What has my day of moping and fast food and chick flicks taught me – apart from the fact that I have embodied every cliché of every romantic movie EVER.
1. I don’t actually hate HIM – I hate what he did and I hate how he made me feel. I can’t however untangle myself from the emotions and memories that we created – it is a confusing and painful cocktail. It’s funny the things you can’t forget. We created hundreds of moments together and I don’t know why one specific memory decides to keep replaying itself in my mind – like it’s stuck on a constant loop that I can’t pause.
This unrelenting memory seems trivial compared to the BIG moments. And yet it still keeps playing.
I had came home from a crummy day at work, had parked really far away from the house and after dragging myself through a giant hailstorm by time I got into the house I was furious. I know what you’re thinking – he had a million tea light candles or a dozen red roses. No.
He was microwaving a pizza in gym trousers looking tired but (I hate this bit) completely effortlessly cute. I slouched on the sofa and he breezed into the living room and handed me the spare key to my car.
“I researched how to fix your central locking and ordered the part for this key online. It should work now- you won’t have to fumble with the keyhole in the rain anymore” he said, as if it were nothing.
As I lay in bed that night realising that I had flippantly mentioned my annoyance about my keys months ago he reached across, placed his hands on my hip bones and gave a little squeeze. Then we went to sleep.
This memory keeps attacking me like an unrelenting wave: drowning and suffocating me.
I need to go to work tomorrow. I need to reclaim my life. I need to learn how to swim in these waters.